Five years ago you made me a mom sweet Zach... in all honesty this birthday is hard since five year olds are not babies anymore, they are BOYS. During this time I have learned that the rainbow comes in many forms... in random elevens, a trip to Italy, pursuing a master, loving your daddy even more and a legacy of care packages, flowers and thoughtful friends and family that still to this day remember you. You make me proud, and there are no words to describe how much I miss you. There is not a day in which I, at some point don't think of you. Happy birthday in heaven son.
As I revise grief, it comes and goes but this birthday has hit me really hard. Maybe is the realization that in all likelihood there will be no more children, maybe the fact that five year old's are big boys now, maybe the ever shrinking likelihood of you meeting typical milestones or how each year becomes more and more impossible even if you had lived longer... there are good days and bad, and rainbows that have come in many forms.
There is also exhaustion if I am completely honest... as parenting an angel is not an easy task. This blog helped me tremendously, it was my way to cope and as read the first posts now five years ago is like a total stranger wrote them... but I am now well acquainted with grief as it became a part of me as much as your life is, maybe is my only bond to you now.
This year I will be facing new challenges... as I take on new projects and dreams I also have to let go of others. This blog is one of them. I did say "goodbye" kind of sort of after not writing for so long, because there is just so much I can write about how much I miss you, even though that doesn't change, grief does. I didn't have the courage to write that this would be my late post... but now is time.
I hope that if anyone ever stumbles upon this (also unlikely), they realize that even though the loss of a child is one of the MOST painful things that can happen to anyone, life can still be good... even thought the first two or three years of grief suck and are a big thick fog...
is time to move on, time to let go of the guilt of not posting, not going to the cemetery... not having done more... is time to say goodbye. to this blog. Officially.
Until I see you again.