Sunday, February 10, 2013

Time to Rejoice for Max's first year

This picture of me and my sister Olgui brings a lot of emotions, also sweet memories of both of us being pregnant, and the great comfort that I felt when she just took off from DC to Texas to just be there, because I was just about to loose my marbles. We all know that my sister went to Italy and I went to Holland, in different but both beautiful journeys. 

One year later, Max is my beautiful nephew, born just about a month after Zachary. We finally met him "in person" last Christmas during our trip to Washington D.C., He is all smiles and has brought a lot of comfort for all our family, I told him in secret that my boy was always going to watch over him, I know that their bond is stronger than what I can explain. He makes me smile, and I rejoice with my sister that he is here with us, happy, growing and smiling away.

This video is in your honor dear Max, to thank you for all the smiles that you have given us, and all the smiles that are yet to come, 

We love you Maxito!, Happy first year!

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Time To Rejoice With Those Who Rejoice

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn"
Romans 12:15

If you saw my Facebook news feed, you would find several journeys: dear friends of mine having perfectly healthy babies (almost daily, no exaggeration), babies about Zach's age hitting milestones left and right and doing a great job of becoming beautiful toddlers, fellow grieving moms sharing their ups and downs, and many warrior special needs moms and dads sharing their daily battles and accomplishments. In matter of seconds I get a minuscule glimpse of what God's news feed may look like...

Rejoicing for those who rejoice is a daily challenge, until now stored in a secret corner of my heart. A corner carefully placed between my broken dreams and not knowings, a corner that is mostly relieved with the news of a healthy new baby, mainly because their parents have been spared from the less traveled road. Even though I am truly happy, my heart still aches at the same time, finding it much easier to mourn with those who mourn because that's a feeling that I know all too well, day in and day out. I may get out of bed, work, cook,clean, and go out and about; all this while grieving. Pretty EXHAUSTING, so much that sometimes just loading the dish washer feels just like running a marathon. 

This constant sadness that I manage to cover most of the times with some make up and a poker face is still there, this pain is now a constant companion, and like my shadow; it will only go away when I see my Zachary again. But not all is gloom and doom. Grieving is a process, a life long one, but a process nevertheless, and with that comes growth and learning. This journey comes with good, bad and sometimes just plain awful days, but it's also intended to shape us into God's likeness. 

I'm not going to lie, I have felt pangs of jealousy and "Why me?" moments left and right, is a battle that I fight almost daily, but I discovered a new weapon: The comparathon and self pity is only being disrespectful of Zachary; is denying his worth, his beauty, his battles for every breath and the accomplishments of his short life. As painful as his absence may be, he is still my miracle child worth celebrating. He is still a miracle of God.

Truly rejoicing with those who rejoice is not something that I do now out of pure goodness of my heart, it has been a skill that I've had to re learn, it has been a conscious effort to stop the pity party, to honor my son for the true blessing that he continues to be, is refusing to go to the threshold of the mind that points to the things that are lacking and ignores all the things that we must be grateful for. Is making a constant decision to refuse to be disrespectful of  my son, is being aware that I grief while I rejoice for others because I miss my him dearly, not because I wish that he would've been "different".

I'm learning to embrace other's joys and sorrows under a new light, under the belief that God delights when things start falling into place according to his plan, even when in our eyes things are falling apart. I rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn because I truly believe that God knows each one of us personally, He gave us his son Jesus, the One who knows and shared our human experience, the One that is always there, in the good, the bad and the ugly, the One that one day will show us his nail scarred wrists and smiling to us will whisper: -I Know. 

"Prince of Peace" by Akiane Kramaik, child prodigy .
Made this piece at 8 years old. Image from

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