Monday, April 30, 2012

Zach's story Part I

Some background info on this post: This post was actually a Thank you e-mail sent to all the great moms in the blogosphere that helped me out tremendously sharing their experiences about their kiddos. I'm publishing this message now, just to get everybody on the same page, and as I said before to make things less random. This is how it all goes:

22 weeks into my pregnancy with Zachary, the doctors were concerned with the position of our baby’s hands and feet. I had and amniocentesis that came back “normal” and we were told that there wouldn’t be a diagnosis until he was born. Our best case scenario would be an orthopedic problem that could be corrected using casts, splinting and lots of therapy; the worst case could be that the fixed position of Zach’s hands along with his clubbed feet would be a symptom of a muscular problem; worst of the worst there is no way that this would happen to us because this things only happen to other people scenario, would be something involving the muscular and neurological system as well. 

Needless to say, it was an emotional roller coaster throughout the rest of the pregnancy for me and my husband David;  lots of tears and lots of breakdowns and crying (ugly crying filled with: why my baby?? Screams) lots of tears that all of you know up close and personal. The only thing that our specialist was able to tell us was to be ready for “anything”, whatever that meant. Hubby was in total denial praying for a miracle healing, fasting and sneaking in a beer or two, he wouldn’t even allow me to mention the words “special needs” because he would break down, and I needed desperately to find support somewhere.  I goggled myself to death until 3:00 am every night of everyday and that’s how I came across the blog “Love that Max”, then I started to read comments from other moms and then I read their stories too and that was it for me, I got hooked. There was someone out there sharing the battle. 

More to come, 
Continue to Part II

Zach showing his adorable chubby cheeks and pout. 

This are the blogs that helped me so much (not in particular order, just trying to keep things with some logic here):

Time to regroup and rethink

I haven't posted anything lately, the reason being is that too much has happened since my last post. So much, that I will have to rethink this whole blog. I thought it was going to be a blog about special needs parenting, but I guess that an adjustment will be in order. Basically I don't know what this blog will be about ( Let's just pray that is not about cooking because as my husband would be happy to testify, I pretty much suck at the whole thing of using heat to transform raw ingredients into foods adequate and safe for human consumption.) We shall see; and in the meantime, we'll write while this thing gets less random.

If you read this, you probably don't have me on your facebook, just to update you this is what I posted on 03/13/2012:

Our son Zachary Owen is completely healed. He is with our heavenly father, playing with all the angels, he met our savior Jesus at 7:32, he was two months old. God lend me one of his angels for a little while, he will be forever loved and remembered, fearfully and wonderfully made he honored his name: Zachary which means remembered by God, Owen which means Celtic warrior, and boy he fought the good fight. We will always love you my little angel, will always miss you and I know that we will see you again in heaven and you will be there with your arms open wide ready for us as the most bright and shiny of all souls. Have a good night my sweet baby, mommy loves you very much. 

More than a month has passed, and it still hurts and feels as if it was yesterday. This little guy broke my heart into a million pieces, humbled me and showed me love and God's grace in a way that is still beyond my comprehension. I guess that in the meantime, I will figure out a way to glue this pieces back together somehow, as I will try to thread this blog in a way that makes some sense, even when things don't make sense at all... I guess that it doesn't hurt to try. 

It's 9:43 pm, at this time my little guy probably would've been on his continuous feeding, but now he doesn't need any of that. I would give anything to just hold him again or cuddle for just one more night, but I can't. Who knows what I will do now with all this broken pieces, with all this love, with all this baby gear still in the boxes, with all this diapers, with all this sudden "extra time", the only thing left to do is pray that this becomes something useful for someone, someday.

I still miss you "mi pulguita"
pulguita: little flea in Spanish. 

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