Time for a $100 Giveaway!

As I mentioned on my previous post, I went on a shopping spree and I did some damage, more than what I should have done. I have a serious issue with shoes, more like an obsession. With all the things going over the last couple of years, this obsession went to a dusty corner in my brain, but now it came back in full force. This shoe issue got so bad that I became a Premier Member of "Designer Shoe Warehouse", so now there's no light at the end of the tunnel. This thing got so out of control that I even got a Boutique Box full of goodies and things that everyone craves or should crave.

A box full of awesomeness!

I want to pass the joy and the healing along to Special Needs Moms or Angel's moms. It is indeed a nice box that I hope and pray that it lightens someone's day when things seem just dark. This giveaway is for Special Needs, Angel's Moms, Preemie and NICU and PICU moms and it has an approximate retail value of $100, this is the description of the box (per DSW)

1. CK MAJORLY AWESOME MASCARA: Pick lenght or volume with this flake-free, smudge proof CK one mascara. Just twist the cap and customize your look!
2.GET GLOWING BRONZER: Look like you just stepped off a plane from Barbados (not NICU or PICU) with this gorgeous face bronzer from LORAC.
3.AHH-MAZING HAND CREAM: A life-changing hand cream exists. It's by L'occitane en Provence, and you will own it!
4.NEED RIGHT NOW GLOSS: Wanna hear, "Hey hot stuff!" more times than you can count? Put on this ULTA lip gloss. You're welcome.
5.THE COOL GIRL SCARF: What outfit wouldn't you new chic infinity scarf go with? It makes everything and anything so much better!
6. DO NOT DISTURB ME CANDLE: Take off the top, light it up and get your relaxation on. And how about that scent? Paddywax, you are incredible!

Now what do you have to do to win this awesome box?
Simple: If you are a Special Needs Mom, Preemie or Nicu mom or an Angel's mom, follow the blog and live a comment about you and your child, your opinion, anything really!, you can leave a comment on Facebook too, that counts.

I will choose a winner Friday, September 20th and I will contact the winner to arrange the delivery.

Have fun!

Disclosure: I'm not making a dime from advertising the box or the contents or the brands, I have not tried the products either so I'm not endorsing anything. This is just with the intent to pass some joy around. I will pay for the shipping if needed, so everything is %100 free as in ZERO 0 dollars.

Time for Self-image After Baby (When there's no baby)

Sometimes, when I devote myself to the art of doing nothing or "Dolce fare niente", (you have full permission to throw me a tomato if you don't ever have that, I understand.) what starts as a pinning session, inevitably ends up with watching Zachary's pictures and videos over and over and over again with some tears included. It will never get old. I always notice something different. Sometimes I see how much progress he made after his surgery, how cute he looked when he started to gain weight, and how he would  react to David's voice... lately though I started to notice something else: How ancient, depressed, overwhelmed and scared I looked. I supposed that this is somewhat normal, but even a year after his death, I couldn't help but noticing how my demeanor just seemed so gloom and doomed all around. 

I felt ancient, if there was a time where I had low self esteem it was when Zach was born. A part of me felt like a failure because I was unable to "make" a healthy boy. I felt that I betrayed my son and my husband, I felt ugly and with not much right to even try to look better. I lost the pregnancy weight fairly quickly not because I tried, but because of the stress and depression. Your body changes after a baby (duh?). You may not like your body after the baby, the stretchmarks, the love handles that don't go away, that darn crooked c-section scar... but you may stare at your bundle of joy and probably believe that it was all worth it. That's what moms do. They get up an move and even want to be and stay healthy for their children, they get back on track, or they embrace their new package as it comes. But how exactly do you do any of that when there's no baby? or when the care of your child is so complex that sleeping or taking a shower is a luxury?  

I still don't know the answer to that, and yes inside I may have become ancient, but I decided that I don't necessarily have to look the part. I recently changed my haircut and my hair color, also got rid of the last pieces of maternity clothing and nursing bras (yes, I was still wearing that... more times than what I care to admit) I got rid of the gray, black and sad grieving wardrobe  as I continue to elaborate on the fact that the amount of guilt or self inflicted pain is not proportional to the love that I have for my son. 

This is and will be a lifetime work in progress, but that's OK. It's OK to try to look good again. It's OK to take care of me again, or to think at least that even if a day is pretty crappy, my hair looks fab. Who knows I may even go all out and even work out and do something healthy like eating right and cutting down on the Diet Coke. But let's don't get too carried away for now, shall we?

Zach as a one day old. His face was bruised and very swollen,
his skull looked "abnormal", yes we were told that.
His feet were completely clubbed.  

Zach at two months old. The swelling long gone,
he became chunky,
with the cheeks that we fell in love with,
the position of his feet was getting better,
my boy fighting like a champ. 

Me looking like crap. It's almost as if Zach
was encouraging me instead of being the other way around... 

Picture taken at our last trip to Austin. I feel more at peace,
and even with the pain I can feel happiness.

Time to Catch Up

Hello Stranger!

I've been away from the blog for a while; actually I've been away of pretty much everything Zach related (face to face meetings, keeping up with his garden, going to the cemetery, knitting hats for preemies, crying in his nursery... etc.) Who would have thought? grieving is hard work!

The reason behind it is not that I'm completely over it, as I've said many times I will never be; but with my new job I have been really busy adapting and playing catch up in a completely new environment behind bars and full of testosterone. It has been extremely healing to be in a new place surrounded by new colleagues that don't know the whole spill, it is great to be seen with new eyes,  there's no pity, and most of all I enjoy not having any expectations over the things that they should say or do because that would only spoil all this new beginning.

On the other hand, I have been struggling with what to share on the blog and whatnot, maybe for safety reasons, maybe just plain paranoia. I also don't want the blog to be about my adventures and misadventures of teaching behind bars, this is still and will be Zach's blog, which has become like that good old friend that you don't have to call everyday; however that friend is there willing to listen and to catch up wherever you left off.

Besides working for a living, David and I have been working in our marriage. We are taking time to heal together and enjoy each other's company, as we try to find things to talk about other than work, bills and Zach... it hasn't been easy; but we are working on it. We even took a quick trip to Austin, just like we used to do, and to top it all since his awesomeness tops his killer looks, he got me a quick ticket for a speedy getaway to Washington D.C. to visit my sister.

This is basically it in a nutshell, I will expand on this things with other posts, otherwise this post will never end. Please stick around. Is good to be back!

Boat ride on the Potomac river. 

Walking around Old Town.

Nice quality time with my niece. 

David and I catching up in Austin.