Sunday, July 22, 2012

Me time?

Finally some peace and quiet, really some peace and quiet with really nothing to do. I mean, my TO DO list is miles long, but there's really nothing that should o r could be done today. So here I'm catching up with my blog, liking other people's toenails on Facebook and liking the fact that they will be eating enchiladas for dinner, and with my new addiction: "So You Think You Can Dance." Finally, I said it out loud! I'm addicted!

It's weird because it seems that it's the first day in a long time that I don't have to make follow up phone calls: To follow up on Zach's Medicaid application (still in in the fight) , to follow up with some left over denied claims, to follow up with my Obgyn, to follow up with the cemetery to get Zach's stone, to call back that person that helped me in my times on need to say thanks,... I just don't HAVE to do that. Not today. I refuse to do that today.

Today is for me, and I refuse to let guilt take over and steal that freedom away from me. Since lately every time that I get to feel some happiness, guilt comes crawling around in silence until it takes over. I lost my child, therefore I should be sad and crying all the time. Right? Right? How come that I get to feel and experience happiness every now and then? It doesn't seem like I deserve that.

I've read that this a common feeling during the grieving process. I still miss and cry for my son EVERYDAY, but I've managed to do it on a schedule. I cry from 8:00 am to 8:45 am in my car, or in the parking lot before work, and I cry in the way back as I sing out loud every song that Pandora has to offer, and I firmly believe that each song has been custom made and written for my boy. I will count that as progress even though, the trips to the grocery store are still a kick in the butt. Yes, thank God I can buy groceries, and we always have food, but in comparison with other mom's out there, my shopping cart will always be empty. Or at least that's what it seems like for now. I have developed a serious issue with the whole grocery store scene: happy mom with baby in the cart doing some carefree shopping. Why something that seems so ordinary is like one of my ultimate life goals, and why is this something that seems as unreachable to me as getting the Nobel price?

O well, I will pray and see what unfolds, one day at a time.
 In the meantime, I NEED to know who are the Top 20 on So you think you can dance.

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