Sunday, November 11, 2012

Time for a list: 10 months, 10 things.

Dear Zach:

Today you would've been 10 months old. In your honor, I will let the pain aside (at least for today) and I will  just remember the good and the blessings that came with meeting you. We will go to a memorial service today at 3:00; a special service for those little ones that just like you, left us too soon and are now having a blast with our heavenly father. Whole and healthy. This random head of mine would like to write something grandiose, something as magnificent as you, but the ache in my chest and soul is a huge block that prevents it from happening. Constantly.

I will make things simple and I will stick to a list. 10 months, which gives me 10 good things that came from your short visit with us:

1. You showed us what selfless Christ like love is truly like. Given the choice, your dad and I would've gladly switched places with you, if that had made you whole and healthy in this earth. Just like Jesus who died for us, we would have done the same for you. Not because we are "good people", but because I know that this is a feeling that any mother and father shares for their sons and daughters. Now, with a heavy heart, I understand.

2. You made us a family. David and I stopped our self-centered worlds to realize that there's more in life than living just for ourselves, even though part of our family is in heaven now, we're still "The Harmonson Family".

3. Thanks to you, we learned what grace truly means. Being on the receiving end humbled our spirits. We were showered with love and grace everywhere including our family, our church, and the people in our community just willing to help us every step of the way.

4. You brought truly amazing people to our lives that we wouldn't have met otherwise. We gained a whole new level of respect for doctors, nurses and therapists; specially the ones involved in your care, since they showed a level of love and compassion that only God can give. You continue to bring great people to us online, in our new support group, and to this day, I get new friends, almost on daily basis.

5. You opened our eyes to the many needs and pain that is still out there, because unlike our real home, this is a broken place. You inspire me to not give up on my faith, to keep praying and following other kids and families that are still in the trenches. I'm still praying to find a way to help and reach out in a more meaningful way. I'm not trying to make excuses (or maybe I'm), but I haven't done a whole lot more because I'm also trying to get back on my feet again.

6. You left us a beautiful garden that was given to us by our neighbors and their family. My San Antonio family, truly compassionate people that grew closer to us thanks to you. Today in your honor, the roses are specially blooming today, just as you would have. This garden knows that today is a milestone worth celebrating.

7. You showed us in an "In your face" fashion that God doesn't make mistakes. No matter what, there is meaning and purpose for every life since conception. Every human has been fearfully and wonderfully made and shares the signature of the same creator. (DNA?)

8. You gave us a whole new level of appreciation for eyes that blink, wrists that bend, hands that move, legs that kick, facial expression. Every one of our breaths have been counted and we still need to make the most of them. Ahem. All I can do now is give thanks for the breaths and blinks that I have left, and I'm still trying to make the most of them, even though I feel sometimes that I'm failing miserably in that arena.

9. You made me a blogger and created a whole new monster here. I spend a lot of time reading and following other blogs and stories that I wouldn't have connected with otherwise. If this blog is able to help at least one person, or if it helps keep your memory alive, it will all be worth it.

10. You made me a MOM. You made me experience what is like to be pregnant, having life growing inside of you. People that doesn't know me may not know it, but I'm a MOM! I have the stretch marks, the c-section scar and the hole in my heart to prove it. You changed me inside and out my beautiful angel, and there aren't enough words that I can put out there to explain just how much I miss you and love you, how much you still mean to me, how YOU, my little miracle changed our lives and faith in ways that we're still trying to comprehend. We will see each other again boy. Please be patient and keep cheering for us while you're in heaven. (We promise not to embarrass you too much).

Happy 10 months my sweet angel, my "pulga", my fearfully and wonderfully made,
"Zachary Owen."

The three of us cuddling in OUR BED!
Sorry for the low quality pic.
 I don't have a lot of pics
with all of us at home,
which of course,
makes me feel like smacking
myself in the head sometimes...

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