Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Time to Teach From the Place that I Know

Today was my last day at my job. Even though I was desperate ready for a chance to move on, it was bitter sweet to leave yet another thing that connected me to my boy. It was to leave behind a place where Zach and I spend some good time together, while he was in my belly kicking his way around. It was leaving behind a place where I had to put on my poker face day in and day out throughout the pregnancy despite the news about his health; in order to keep my sanity and do the job. It was coming back from maternity leave with no baby, and being humbled and grateful with everyone's support and understanding way beyond their call of duty. It was also getting back into the swing of things and proving at least to myself that I'm stronger than what I gave myself credit for.  

After the day that changed my life, I swore to live my life differently: I swore to live for two, to face my fears, to keep my faith strong and to tell everyone that where there is life, there is hope and purpose... sadly, this wild dreams started to fade away with the whole thing of working for a living at my "normal" job. Routine, normalcy, lazy sundays...who would have thought? what I craved so much when my world was upside down, is the very thing that lately has been sucking the life out of me, mainly because deep inside, I refuse to live a "normal" life, to go back to the same old routine as if nothing happened, to simply go out and about because  is time to move on, because the scare wore off, or because we seem to be OK now. The thing is... ZACH happened, and a corner of my heart knows that full well; the clock points at a 3:11, 4:11 or something 11, day in and day out, as this little angel is reminding me that I had promised more... 

 I've been praying for some good time for a change, a career change specifically.. a new job. A job where I could help other people, a job that would allow me to heal while I help others to do the same, a job that would stretch me and challenge me, a job that will make me, FORCE ME to talk about God and bring my faith to the table, a job that will take me back to that place where I could see God at work again. 

Somehow I wanted to get back into the whole madness of teaching; but I struggled to put all the pieces together: I loved teaching elementary and working around children, but being around kids all day on daily basis is something still pretty raw and emotional for me, just a short video at the church about summer VBS brings an ugly bugger filled cry and another broken dream that my poor hubby tries so very hard to contain with hopefully enough tissues. On the other hand, being able to relate to a parent that is concerned because their child cannot read well, or multiply or what have you is almost impossible for me at this point. My most likely answer: You do realize that your child blinks, swallows and breathes on it's own, isn't that just amazing? Is nothing against parents having the "normal" parenting experience, is just a sign for me that God is sending me to a different path, He is sending me to teach from a place that I know, and He is sending me to a completely unknown place, uncharted territory almost. 

I will be teaching from the place in my heart that I know best: from the brokenness, from the ashes, from having to rebuild your expectations, your dreams, your life and your whole self from scratch. I will be teaching life skills at a correctional facility for men that will soon be released and back into the society. My job will be to equip them with skills and tools necessary to rebuild their life. I am humbled to have my husband's understanding and support, and I am excited and convinced that God heard my prayer and gave me the job that matches exactly where I am spiritually and emotionally. I am also well aware that without my boy I would have never even dared to take that chance, but I take more chances now, because I'm living for two. 

We are closing one chapter Zach, and starting a new one: We did it!

1 comment:

  1. Clari, Zach loves you as you are, regardless of how much you have done... perhaps he is just reminding you about his love... no how much you have promised.... we perform love in every act, big or small.

    Hugs dear Clari



blogger template by lovebird