Time for a Milestone: 2 years

PSALM 118:24 "Today is the Day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

Sweet boy, as I've learned in our journey there are no rules, just surprises. To be honest, I woke up with a heavy heart today struggling with what to write on my Facebook status. I mean, how do I come up with a post that does justice to your precious life? The good news is that I didn't have to. As usual, when I can't God can and He sent someone to our rescue. Our dear friends Josh and Sharon posted a picture of one of your hats remembering your birthday and asking others to join in the virtual celebration; someone else remembered you too! and from then on birthday wishes, likes and messages of love just kept pouring. It was humbling to see. You shining with your own light! 2 years later.

You know that I'm kind of obsessed with numbers, one in particular... want to guess? Yes 11! to me is the best number in the whole world. Do you know how many messages you had on Facebook when you were born? You guessed again: 11! Jaw dropping 11 comments and 7 likes... Yikes! that was all. (A picture of my burnt Shepherd's Pie had more likes than the birth of my son...)  That may say a lot but not necessarily in a bad way. Please bear with me. In all honesty, your birth pictures were hard to see and to post: You were hooked to a ventilator, fighting hard for every breath... and me? unable to write anything at all. I just managed to write: "Zach is here" and that was that, my brain didn't allow me to do any better. To be honest if a friend of mine had posted the same pictures, the old me would've known what to say, probably I wouldn't have said anything at all. In all fairness people didn't do simple "likes", instead they went above and beyond and sent us letters in the mail, words of encouragement, food to the NICU, baby clothes, prayers, even phone calls! Since they didn't know what to say, our friends and family near and far figured out what to DO.

During this two years you brought a new world filled with fears, unanswered questions, tears and what ifs left and right, but to make sure that we could endure you also paved the way with flowers, prayers, candles, balloons, care packages, pay forward Starbucks, and my two favorites: convenient parking spaces and random acts of kindness from strangers. For that I rejoice and I'm grateful.

Yesterday, I was planning to get you flowers and also a HUGE balloon for your place, but I'm not going to lie, it was a tough day at work and I was tired, so I just got the flowers and said: Heck with it and went home. Well, Stephanie a friend of mine that I haven't met in person (yet) read my mind and bought a Gigantic Balloon with the number 2. She left it in your place at the cemetery today, so when we got there we had a nice surprise, and your place looks even better than what I could have done on my own. 

I'm proud of you son, I'm proud because you shine with your own light. It was after all a happy birthday.

11 Everywhere, you Everywhere, just as it should be.

It's indeed a Happy Birthday, with one of the many
 random acts of kindness that you continue to bring.
I'm proud of you son, and I'm really looking
forward to meet my new friend in person.

Time to Fall Apart

WARNING: This is a less than uplifting post, but I do have to get this out there. To be honest it has been difficult to get into the Christmas spirit... but hey, in some cases misery loves company so, without more ado here it goes:

If you'll excuse me; I need a minute, a day a week rather to fall apart. Nothing to worry about. I'm a big girl and I can clean up after myself. Somehow I will pickup the messy broken pieces, the unanswered questions, the untouched nursery (going on two years almost) and I will find some meaning when you can't make sense of things like I usually do. But not today, not tonight. Today I NEED. I MUST rather, Fall apart.

Today, I refuse to be inspirational and to do angel talk. Tonight I won't cling to my bruised faith. Tonight is a matter of grace. I'm taking this time to refuse to get better and move on; because you say so, because you hope so, because you have prayed that I do. I will move on eventually if there's such a thing; but please not today, not tonight. I move on everyday that I manage to get out of bed, when I breathe without pain in my chest, when I knit, when I work, when I go to baby showers and truly rejoice for a new life, when I attempt to cook, to clean, to make love... when I catch myself laughing; guilty of a carefree mood, happy even. I move on when I pray, when I worship, when I write. With black ink. But not today, not tonight.

It is time to fall apart because I miss you Zach, because all this sucks, because so many prayed for your healing, because your healing meant the ultimate price:  a lifetime without you. Because no matter how much good I do, how much I knit, how much I work, nothing will bring you back. It sucks because it's final, because you won't get fat or married, you won't get your heart broken, you won't get pimples and you won't rob a bank or become president. There are not do overs or second chances, just hope and faith that one day I'll see you again.

Tonight, I will unapologetically think about you and I will scream your name until the world turns blue in the face: Zachary! Zachary! My Zachary.

When it's all done, I will take a shower, look at my stretch marks and carry on with this whole concept of living for two. This too shall pass and I will clean up, eventually, when I get to it.  Because I clean up after myself. Because I'm a big girl, because I'm a mom, because that's what mom's do.

Some days I just miss you so very much...

Time to say Thank You

Finally November! I was sick of this ungodly Texas heat! and I like to believe that I wasn't  the only one. It's time to sip some coffee, to read a good book, to enjoy this perfect weather while it lasts... the laundry can wait, hubby can make himself a sandwich and the cobwebs are not going to go anywhere if don't clean them today. I pray that you find time too in your busy schedule to be alone and take a long bath uninterrupted, I hope that you even go all out and paint your toe nails, I hope that you find time to be with God and really talk to him, and if all else fails, I pray that you find a window in your crazy schedule to just be... to focus on the important instead of the urgent, I hope that you cancel an appointment or two, I wish you a day of doing nothing, I hope that you get to say NO to something, sometime and I mainly hope that you find a true honest reason to say... Thank you.

In a world where no matter how perfect things can be, I will always find something, someone rather missing; so I had to think long and hard about a reason to be grateful for and I found it:You my friend are what I'm truly and honestly grateful for.

Thank you for being there, for not forgetting
for seeing me and also seeing a part of my son
thank you for whispering and remember his name
thank you for acknowledging when I seem better,
thank you for listening when I don't.

Thank you for inviting me to your baby showers,
for giving me the choice to go or not
and understand it either way
I know this can be awkward at best,
but you still let me share your joy with you,
and that really means a lot.

Thank you for not pretending that my boy didn't happen,
for liking his pictures 1, 5, 10, 20 times
even though is the same bunch of pictures...
in the end is all I have. Thank you for remembering Zach with me
HE LIVED. HE MATTERED, HE STILL DOES.

Thank you for the lunches that you brought us to the NICU,
for the fried chicken in my front porch, for the paper plates
that lasted us for months when I was too down and too blue
to do anything.

Thank you for your tears when you were at a loss for words.
What could you possibly say anyway?
thank you for the lady that you sent  to clean our house,
for the beautiful garden that still grows,
and for loving your kiddos even more because as you can tell,
our children do not truly belong to us,
they are "borrowed".

Thank you for coming to our lives, and mostly
thank you for staying and riding along.

Have a wonderful lazy month
and a gluttony filled Thanksgiving
hopefully with a meal that you don't have to cook.

Love,

Thank you for making  my life worth living:
A life filled with love and acceptance,
this world is a wonderful place, I hope you
enjoy it as much as I did.
My parents are very grateful.
Zach. 

Time for a $100 Giveaway!

As I mentioned on my previous post, I went on a shopping spree and I did some damage, more than what I should have done. I have a serious issue with shoes, more like an obsession. With all the things going over the last couple of years, this obsession went to a dusty corner in my brain, but now it came back in full force. This shoe issue got so bad that I became a Premier Member of "Designer Shoe Warehouse", so now there's no light at the end of the tunnel. This thing got so out of control that I even got a Boutique Box full of goodies and things that everyone craves or should crave.

A box full of awesomeness!

I want to pass the joy and the healing along to Special Needs Moms or Angel's moms. It is indeed a nice box that I hope and pray that it lightens someone's day when things seem just dark. This giveaway is for Special Needs, Angel's Moms, Preemie and NICU and PICU moms and it has an approximate retail value of $100, this is the description of the box (per DSW)

1. CK MAJORLY AWESOME MASCARA: Pick lenght or volume with this flake-free, smudge proof CK one mascara. Just twist the cap and customize your look!
2.GET GLOWING BRONZER: Look like you just stepped off a plane from Barbados (not NICU or PICU) with this gorgeous face bronzer from LORAC.
3.AHH-MAZING HAND CREAM: A life-changing hand cream exists. It's by L'occitane en Provence, and you will own it!
4.NEED RIGHT NOW GLOSS: Wanna hear, "Hey hot stuff!" more times than you can count? Put on this ULTA lip gloss. You're welcome.
5.THE COOL GIRL SCARF: What outfit wouldn't you new chic infinity scarf go with? It makes everything and anything so much better!
6. DO NOT DISTURB ME CANDLE: Take off the top, light it up and get your relaxation on. And how about that scent? Paddywax, you are incredible!

Now what do you have to do to win this awesome box?
Simple: If you are a Special Needs Mom, Preemie or Nicu mom or an Angel's mom, follow the blog and live a comment about you and your child, your opinion, anything really!, you can leave a comment on Facebook too, that counts.

I will choose a winner Friday, September 20th and I will contact the winner to arrange the delivery.

Have fun!

Disclosure: I'm not making a dime from advertising the box or the contents or the brands, I have not tried the products either so I'm not endorsing anything. This is just with the intent to pass some joy around. I will pay for the shipping if needed, so everything is %100 free as in ZERO 0 dollars.

Time for Self-image After Baby (When there's no baby)

Sometimes, when I devote myself to the art of doing nothing or "Dolce fare niente", (you have full permission to throw me a tomato if you don't ever have that, I understand.) what starts as a pinning session, inevitably ends up with watching Zachary's pictures and videos over and over and over again with some tears included. It will never get old. I always notice something different. Sometimes I see how much progress he made after his surgery, how cute he looked when he started to gain weight, and how he would  react to David's voice... lately though I started to notice something else: How ancient, depressed, overwhelmed and scared I looked. I supposed that this is somewhat normal, but even a year after his death, I couldn't help but noticing how my demeanor just seemed so gloom and doomed all around. 

I felt ancient, if there was a time where I had low self esteem it was when Zach was born. A part of me felt like a failure because I was unable to "make" a healthy boy. I felt that I betrayed my son and my husband, I felt ugly and with not much right to even try to look better. I lost the pregnancy weight fairly quickly not because I tried, but because of the stress and depression. Your body changes after a baby (duh?). You may not like your body after the baby, the stretchmarks, the love handles that don't go away, that darn crooked c-section scar... but you may stare at your bundle of joy and probably believe that it was all worth it. That's what moms do. They get up an move and even want to be and stay healthy for their children, they get back on track, or they embrace their new package as it comes. But how exactly do you do any of that when there's no baby? or when the care of your child is so complex that sleeping or taking a shower is a luxury?  

I still don't know the answer to that, and yes inside I may have become ancient, but I decided that I don't necessarily have to look the part. I recently changed my haircut and my hair color, also got rid of the last pieces of maternity clothing and nursing bras (yes, I was still wearing that... more times than what I care to admit) I got rid of the gray, black and sad grieving wardrobe  as I continue to elaborate on the fact that the amount of guilt or self inflicted pain is not proportional to the love that I have for my son. 

This is and will be a lifetime work in progress, but that's OK. It's OK to try to look good again. It's OK to take care of me again, or to think at least that even if a day is pretty crappy, my hair looks fab. Who knows I may even go all out and even work out and do something healthy like eating right and cutting down on the Diet Coke. But let's don't get too carried away for now, shall we?

Zach as a one day old. His face was bruised and very swollen,
his skull looked "abnormal", yes we were told that.
His feet were completely clubbed.  

Zach at two months old. The swelling long gone,
he became chunky,
with the cheeks that we fell in love with,
the position of his feet was getting better,
my boy fighting like a champ. 

Me looking like crap. It's almost as if Zach
was encouraging me instead of being the other way around... 

Picture taken at our last trip to Austin. I feel more at peace,
and even with the pain I can feel happiness.

Time to Catch Up

Hello Stranger!

I've been away from the blog for a while; actually I've been away of pretty much everything Zach related (face to face meetings, keeping up with his garden, going to the cemetery, knitting hats for preemies, crying in his nursery... etc.) Who would have thought? grieving is hard work!

The reason behind it is not that I'm completely over it, as I've said many times I will never be; but with my new job I have been really busy adapting and playing catch up in a completely new environment behind bars and full of testosterone. It has been extremely healing to be in a new place surrounded by new colleagues that don't know the whole spill, it is great to be seen with new eyes,  there's no pity, and most of all I enjoy not having any expectations over the things that they should say or do because that would only spoil all this new beginning.

On the other hand, I have been struggling with what to share on the blog and whatnot, maybe for safety reasons, maybe just plain paranoia. I also don't want the blog to be about my adventures and misadventures of teaching behind bars, this is still and will be Zach's blog, which has become like that good old friend that you don't have to call everyday; however that friend is there willing to listen and to catch up wherever you left off.

Besides working for a living, David and I have been working in our marriage. We are taking time to heal together and enjoy each other's company, as we try to find things to talk about other than work, bills and Zach... it hasn't been easy; but we are working on it. We even took a quick trip to Austin, just like we used to do, and to top it all since his awesomeness tops his killer looks, he got me a quick ticket for a speedy getaway to Washington D.C. to visit my sister.

This is basically it in a nutshell, I will expand on this things with other posts, otherwise this post will never end. Please stick around. Is good to be back!

Boat ride on the Potomac river. 

Walking around Old Town.

Nice quality time with my niece. 

David and I catching up in Austin.

Time to Teach From the Place that I Know

Today was my last day at my job. Even though I was desperate ready for a chance to move on, it was bitter sweet to leave yet another thing that connected me to my boy. It was to leave behind a place where Zach and I spend some good time together, while he was in my belly kicking his way around. It was leaving behind a place where I had to put on my poker face day in and day out throughout the pregnancy despite the news about his health; in order to keep my sanity and do the job. It was coming back from maternity leave with no baby, and being humbled and grateful with everyone's support and understanding way beyond their call of duty. It was also getting back into the swing of things and proving at least to myself that I'm stronger than what I gave myself credit for.  

After the day that changed my life, I swore to live my life differently: I swore to live for two, to face my fears, to keep my faith strong and to tell everyone that where there is life, there is hope and purpose... sadly, this wild dreams started to fade away with the whole thing of working for a living at my "normal" job. Routine, normalcy, lazy sundays...who would have thought? what I craved so much when my world was upside down, is the very thing that lately has been sucking the life out of me, mainly because deep inside, I refuse to live a "normal" life, to go back to the same old routine as if nothing happened, to simply go out and about because  is time to move on, because the scare wore off, or because we seem to be OK now. The thing is... ZACH happened, and a corner of my heart knows that full well; the clock points at a 3:11, 4:11 or something 11, day in and day out, as this little angel is reminding me that I had promised more... 

 I've been praying for some good time for a change, a career change specifically.. a new job. A job where I could help other people, a job that would allow me to heal while I help others to do the same, a job that would stretch me and challenge me, a job that will make me, FORCE ME to talk about God and bring my faith to the table, a job that will take me back to that place where I could see God at work again. 

Somehow I wanted to get back into the whole madness of teaching; but I struggled to put all the pieces together: I loved teaching elementary and working around children, but being around kids all day on daily basis is something still pretty raw and emotional for me, just a short video at the church about summer VBS brings an ugly bugger filled cry and another broken dream that my poor hubby tries so very hard to contain with hopefully enough tissues. On the other hand, being able to relate to a parent that is concerned because their child cannot read well, or multiply or what have you is almost impossible for me at this point. My most likely answer: You do realize that your child blinks, swallows and breathes on it's own, isn't that just amazing? Is nothing against parents having the "normal" parenting experience, is just a sign for me that God is sending me to a different path, He is sending me to teach from a place that I know, and He is sending me to a completely unknown place, uncharted territory almost. 

I will be teaching from the place in my heart that I know best: from the brokenness, from the ashes, from having to rebuild your expectations, your dreams, your life and your whole self from scratch. I will be teaching life skills at a correctional facility for men that will soon be released and back into the society. My job will be to equip them with skills and tools necessary to rebuild their life. I am humbled to have my husband's understanding and support, and I am excited and convinced that God heard my prayer and gave me the job that matches exactly where I am spiritually and emotionally. I am also well aware that without my boy I would have never even dared to take that chance, but I take more chances now, because I'm living for two. 

We are closing one chapter Zach, and starting a new one: We did it!