I'm totally clueless about how do you start your first post, I'm even more clueless about how to raise a child with special needs, and even more lost about what those special needs will be since we are still waiting for a diagnosis (if any).
I can't think of the name of the movie where I heard this line: "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans" and my guess is that I did give him a really good laugh. My plan was to have a boy that was going to be perfect, maybe not even human, maybe an angel so gorgeous and so smart that he was just destined to become president and CEO, win the Nobel, become a supermodel, win the Oscar and the Grammy and love his mom above anything else, and why did I think that? Well, because I have always loved children, working and being around them, because I wanted to believe that I made a difference in the life of one or two and because my husband and I are good people that deserved the perfect child. God's plan: Who knows? He gave me my angel Zachary which is perfect for us but maybe not by the world standars, he is resilient and wants to live so bad that all we can do is hold his hand and back him up.
Maybe God wants to make me fall with my face on the dirt, so I don't have this unfair and ureal expectations about my child because after all it's not fair with Zachary. I'm not a CEO, or president and I'm still trying to find a perfect job, God wants to break me to the point where all I can do is to be humble, swallow my pride and reach to others, maybe he wants to make me at least as half as strong as my little baby has proven to be in his first two weeks of life. I have to believe that God has a plan, that my son's life will have meaning and a purpose special needs or not.
I need to have hope and I've gotta have faith. I also have to say goodbye to the unfair and overachiever mom that I was set up to be. I have to become as resilient and tuff as my son, and I'm pretty sure that I will need a hughe dose of patience, I also have to set up a schedule: to visit the Nicu, to get Medicaid, to eat and take a shower, to find childcare for my angel, to pump and to cry.
I need to eat an elephant, on a schedule and one bite at a time. So help me God.
Clara, as someone who has been down "this" road for awhile now, my advice is to just write from your heart and write for yourself. With time, you'll figure out how to navigate this journey. Just know that you have succeeded if you've done nothing but get up and put one foot in front of the other. You'll get through one day at a time and, sometimes, you'll have to get through one hour at a time. Just don't forget to take care of YOU along the way - it's imperative.
ReplyDeleteI'm also here and willing to listen and offer a cyber-shoulder to lean on if you need one. My email is: schrooten1@cox.net. I'd love to hear more about your Zachary and you.
Ann
(www.jack-schrooten.blogspot.com)