Monday, February 6, 2012

Giving Up

Today I'm feeling a strange sense of peace, strenght and acceptance, and I wonder how long it will last. For the first time in 3 months I dared to wear mascara and I woke up with the firm purpose of not crying, and I didn't, not one tear, the whole day! HUGHE achievement.

I was able to encourage David, and reassure him that we have a great boy that will make him proud one day. He is amazing no MATTER what, I love my boy blind or not, swallowing or not, moving or not, the love is the same, regardless. Do I want the best diagnosis, prognosis and productive life for him? absolutely, and I have to hope as hard as it can be sometimes that he may still have a shot in the mainstream life, but as bad as I want all that it's beyond my control, I feel peace knowing that God made my boy, he knew him before he made him, he knows him and labeled each one of his days and mine, and David's. He is in control, he's GOT THIS.

Above all my son's life has meaning, value and purpose regardless of what he does or doesn't do, he is a miracle and he is a son that I have with a man that I truly love and that I'm grateful and honored to call my husband. Also I'm beyond tired of begging, sobbing and praying that my "wishes" come true, I don't even know what to pray for anymore, I'm exhausted. I GIVE UP, I give up the false belief that we have some control in situations like this, I give up the belief that I'm in control, right now it's in your hands Lord, you take over, just PLEASE take over.


This is really liberating, so much that it surprises me, still no tears and I have been able to see Zach for who he truly is: a chunky little angel. My mascara is still on and the only thing that I have left to do is wonder. How long will this last?


1 comment:

  1. I loooved this post. It made me so happy!!

    that is not "giving up" that is a day of acceptance and understanding, that is "leting go" of what you cannot control. All you can do is love and help your boy, and that's what you do. Damn, and not to flatter, but you are such an elocuent writter!!

    I know this is huge step for your emotional well being... you'll get through this, and you'll have at home a chubby little boy to spoil and love, and dress up in those cute little "big boy clothes he has", and say silly things to ...

    "... we have a great boy that will make him proud one day. He is amazing no MATTER what, I love my boy blind or not, swallowing or not, moving or not, the love is the same, regardless. Do I want the best diagnosis, prognosis and productive life for him? absolutely, and I have to hope as hard as it can be sometimes that he may still have a shot in the mainstream life, but as bad as I want all that it's beyond my control, I feel peace knowing that God made my boy, he knew him before he made him, he knows him and labeled each one of his days and mine, and David's. He is in control, he's GOT THIS."

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