Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Zach's Story Part IV

Some background info on this post: This post was actually a Thank you e-mail sent to all the great moms in the blogosphere that helped me out tremendously sharing their experiences about their kiddos. I'm publishing this message now, just to get everybody on the same page, and as I said before to make things less random. This is how it all goes:

I will always miss you my angel. 

I know that I got to the hospital at 8:05, because I thought: -Crap! I’m late for his medicines and 8 o’ clock feeding. So I rushed to his room as fast as I could, so fast that one of the nurses stopped me and asked me if she could help me. –I’m going to see my son, he’s in room 240. She just quietly pointed the way, and I walked in the room where David was holding Zach in the recliner.
 -Your son is with Jesus now. He passed at 7:23.

 He was two months and two days old.

 That was the very first time that I held my baby totally cable and wire free, totally unplugged, completely healed. The grief is there, and it will always be, but I wouldn’t change this for the world. 

Zach opened a door for us that will never be closed. I know that I got dumped somewhere in Holland, in a very small town, so small that is not even in the map, and that is my biggest pride. I’m grateful for kids that blink, that cry, that throw a fit, that run and drive their parents crazy and I have special love for the ones that don’t, because I see my boy in them. Thanks to this I can connect with everybody in the deepest level of love, understanding and patience. No judging, no apologies, no “we have to fix him”. Just simple, pure, raw and most primitive form of love.

Everybody now says that I’m a great mom and that I should be proud. Honestly and full disclosure I couldn’t care less because I know the truth: I’m not a great mom, I’m just a copy cat. I just happened to goggle “how to be a great mom” and this blogs came along, I read them all and tried to imitate in at least at a 1% everything that these moms were doing for their kiddos. I just wanted to do just that for my Zach. Just know that I will continue following your kiddos struggles and accomplishments, I want to let everyone know that this amazing moms helped me and my family in a way that they cannot even imagine, just know that I would be forever grateful, and if you got to read this much THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for getting to know my Zachary Owen.

Please know that my boy, now with Jesus will be watching over your kiddos to ensure that they become everything that they are set to be and do, and this applies for all the moms of special kids still in the trenches, for mommies grieving children that passed before they got to kindergarten, for mommies of miracles and angels diagnosed and undiagnosed. I still haven’t figured out what I will do now, what will happen, but just know that I will be there for your kids. I know that I have to do something, to share this journey and to keep reaching out.

In Dr. Seuss words:
And will you succeed? Yes! You will indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed)
Kid, you will move mountains!
Be your name Buxbaum or Bray
or Zachary Owen Van Allen O’Shea,
You’re off to great places!
Today is your day! Your mountain is wainting…

So get on your way!


  1. Claris, no he empezado a trabajar porque no puedo dejar de leer tu blog. Qué bueno que lo hayas actualizado y que todas las personas puedan conocer tu experiencia y la vida de Zach.

    Aunque pienso que me se la historia al derecho y al revez, en lo que escribes siempre veo algo nuevo, algo que no vi, que no entendí ...y sobre todo, leerte me hace quererlos a ti y a Zachary muchísimo más. MUACKKKKKKKS

  2. (no conocía el dibujo por ejemplo) ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥!!!!!


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