Tuesday, August 28, 2012

What's Up With the Entitlement?

When we found out that we were pregnant, just as any other couple would be, we were ecstatic. The joy just could't fit in our chests. Do you want a boy or a girl? people would ask, and I blissfully unaware of what was heading our way, would respond with the pregnancy mantra that I so much came to hate: We don't care, as long as he's healthy...

Then the news came, and dreams were shattered. Why even in the realm of disability, he would be one of the worst case scenarios. "You have to pray" would say some, "You have to think positive" would say others. Now, in retrospective, I don't believe that this happened because we didn't pray hard enough, or because we weren't "positive" enough.It's not even something that God allowed to happen. It's just now that I can pin point exactly what had set us up for added grief, and it just made it harder (at least for me) to bond with my child. One word: Entitlement.

As long as he's healthy... Well, Zach wasn't, So what?  We didn't love him any less because of that. You are a very strong woman, I don't know what I would've done if I was you. Translation: I'm so glad that I'm not in your shoes. You can't be so out of luck that it's the worst case scenario...Well, we were worst case scenario. So what? there's still that one word flying around and rubbing it in: Entitlement.

What really set us up for added grief is the false belief that we deserve the best because we are "good people". Full disclosure, I believe that I was willing to accept nothing less than an all and all perfect child with some super powers added, because I deserved nothing less; because I took my vitamins and all the prenatal testings were "normal", we've done everything by the book and I loved children. (Mind you: Perfect children that never trow tantrums and never get dirty and always eat their veggies.) The same goes when it comes to jobs, marriages, material stuff. We grow to believe that we deserve nothing but the best. I grew up in house filled with love, with all the "stuff" that me and my sisters needed and then some. Why would things be any different now? Even though I started a relationship with Christ, I became spoiled, "I praise you Jesus as long as you keep pouring down the goodies"  Until he didn't. Until our faith was shaken, until we were left with our faces on the ground praying: Make our boy swallow or breath or what have you.

Even though it's not like: Before Zach I was a horrible person and now I'm a saint. He taught me to just STOP. COMPETING. STOP.COMPARING. He was in his own timeline, so was the preemie next to him, so was I , so was David, so were the doctors and nurses. God didn't promise a life without problems. What he promised was to be with us all the way, because light and dark are alike to him. Before Zach, I never had a really big problem. Actually, I never had  a problem at all. It was all about getting as much stuff out of this world as I could get. Until it wasn't. Until life served me a big slice of humble pie that was bitter sweet to swallow.

During Zach's stay in the NICU, I also had big financial concerns about how in the world we were going to make it? but at that time, life showed me that even if I had all the money in the world, even if I had a million dollars (which I don't), this wasn't about money. None of that would've matter, it wouldn't have been enough to grant us our biggest heart desire: Seeing our boy blink.

This was about giving thanks for what we actually had. Yes, he couldn't blink, but he had a lovely face. He also had two arms, two legs, ten fingers, ten toes and he was aware of the love around him. Yes, David and I were under slept and on edge, but we were together. Yes, nobody in the world can even imagine what we went trough, but there was people around us willing to bring us lunch to the Nicu, willing to pray for us, and just to be there supporting us in any way that they could. Yes,  I don't have exactly my dream job, but they went above and beyond to accommodate me and they were extremely understanding during this tough times, my job also allowed us to cover most of  Zach's expenses and we got him the best doctors in South Texas.

I'm still learning to shift from being entitled to be grateful. To just take life as it comes, and just to appreciate what I actually have, and that sometimes include lovingly embrace what I don't have, and be grateful, since Zach is healed indeed.

About 20 weeks pregnant,
ready to teach Zach some  multiplication facts "in-utero"
Zach contempt and having a blast in the NICU
with his mobile, teaching me some life-facts.

1 comment:

  1. "I'm still learning to shift from being entitled to be grateful."

    These are such powerful words Clara and I too am still learning, even after 13 years.

    Hugs and love,


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