Tuesday, August 28, 2012

When Silence Strikes

I'm off work today and other than Hunter barking in the backyard, the house is pretty quiet. It's always times like this when I'm most likely to have my meltdowns.Grief takes over and I'm just left with a bunch of "what if's"? rambling around in this crazy head. 

This house is still a wreck since we had a major leak about a week ago, and we're still waiting to get the floors installed again. All I can say is that if this leak had happened about a year and a half ago, probably I would have been bananas by now, and would be rushing everything to get it done PRONTO. I still have my episodes like that though; but they too shall pass since I'm proud to say, I have shifted my priorities. First and foremost: BLOG, then leave the pile of laundry for later or whenever I feel like it; skip the trip to the grocery store, and figure out what kind of meal can get put together with some old onion, ketchup and maple syrup. Come on, there has to be something, at least on Pinterest.

It is in the midst of silence when I still catch myself dreaming about what I'm going to do when I become a mom, is that fraction of a second when I'm half-asleep and half-awake when I have to stop myself  I retell myself the whole story: Wait a minute. You've been a mom. It's done. Then a glimpse at my stretch marks and the c-section scar confirms it. Zach happened and it's over now, the factory is closed and there will be no more pregnancies. Then I get coffee and get on with the day. 

This is now like the aftermath after a big war, and then there's silence. People has moved on, because as hard as it can be for me to digest, the world is not Zach-centered and people has lives. Thing is, I haven't really moved on. Probably I never will. I may go on and about making up new hopes, new dreams, new somethings, but you don't really move on. I catch myself bending my wrists and my index finger as Zach would. I still try to type, serve coffee or fold the laundry with my wrists bent and sometimes I walk with my feet clubbed (when nobody is watching) , kind of in Zach's position to see if he could've done that. Dubiously sane, I know but I just don't seem to be able to let go, and part of me doesn't want to.

              "Silence, what I always hear, after crying, lots of Silence" 

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